The first time I discovered family constellations, now 20 years ago, it truly felt like coming home. I immediately sensed the tremendous healing power of this work. An immense wave of love washed over me. It was as if I had known it from a previous life, it presented itself to me as a language I instantly grasped. It resonated with my heart, my whole being burst wide open, and that very day, I knew: this is what I want to pursue!

NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF

During my retreats, I work with both writing meditation and (soul, family, business, book, and all sorts of trauma) constellations. They are my favorite tools to dive deep, bring insight and clarity, and shed light on what is still in the dark. In my book "Writing to Consciousness", I precisely explain what writing meditation is. In case you would like to experience writing meditation: you can download the first 50 pages of my book for free just by clicking on the download button!

But what are family constellations? What is it good for? Do you bring your family with you? And is there anything to be afraid of?

 

WHAT ARE FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS?

Family constellations is a methodology (developed by the German Bert Hellinger) that, without many words, shows us the unconscious causes behind our behavior. It also allows us to quickly realize the role or position we occupy in our current family or in our family of origin.

CONNECTED IN LOYALTY

During a family constellation, it becomes clear that we are connected to our ancestors through bonds of loyalty. Quite often we, unconsciously, carry unprocessed emotional loads from our ancestors. This can be trauma like a war experience or domestic violence or the loss of children - sorrow and pain that your parents, great-grandparents and many others before us have lived but never expressed, healed nor mourned. We manifest them unconsciously in our own lives - sometimes with destructive consequences for us and the people around us.

I always use the following image to explain how it works. If someone tells you that you have your father's nose or your grandfather's eyes or great-grandmother's eyes, it's not hard to believe because you can see it. It is very clearly visible that we are connected to our family through physical features. However, the invisible loads (emotional loads, traumas, accidents, grief, loss, violence ...) carried in a family also work across generations. Just because it is never talked about doesn't mean it's not there!

 

FAMILY CONSCIENCE

Every family has a family conscience. That conscience lives and acts according to the laws of nature: it has a natural balance. However, if something happens in a family (death, exclusion, divorce...) that creates imbalance, the family conscience will seek a new balance through other family members.

For example, if a mother has never processed her grief over her deceased mother, that can unconsciously be picked up by the daughter. She unconsciously feels the imbalance and then, instead of her mother, lives out that grief by becoming depressed, or by wanting to take her own life. Unconsciously, she says, 'I will suffer in your place, mommy.' That's how great our loyalty and love for our family members are that we would give our lives for them.

Because during a family constellation, you make these bonds of loyalty conscious, constellations are so effective. You recognize how strong the influence of your ancestors was on your own life, and you see how much more freedom it gives you when you let go of these often destructive aspects.

UNIQUE LEARNING PROCESS

In short, a family constellation is a fascinating and unique learning process. It gives you valuable insights and a new, expanded consciousness. You can feel how intimately connected you are with your ancestors. Once you have resolved unconscious entanglements, you will notice the positive forces flowing from them to you. Moreover, you will go through life more relaxed and be grateful to yourself for leaving behind old problems.

 

DO YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR FAMILY FOR THIS?

No! In a family constellation, you work in a group of people you usually don't know.

Everyone present can be invited to be a representative, a substitute for the family members needed during a constellation. Your own family members are not necessary. In fact, if your family members were present, they would be asked not to participate in the constellation.

Suppose you have a problem, then you are the questioner. The questioner can bring in a question, and during the constellation, an answer emerges. Suppose you, as the questioner, would ask the following question: 'I am never seen. At work, in my family, in my circle of friends; everyone  walks over me as if I'm not there! Why is that?'

The facilitator will then ask you about facts from your family history: is there exclusion, illness, death, abortion, exclusion, a wartime past...? However, there is no discussion of the story around it; only the facts are important. It is important that the representatives know as little as possible about you and your family so that they can better allow the feeling.

 

A CONSTELLATION IS NOT A ROLE PLAY

In the next phase, the questioner is invited to choose representatives for, for example, their partner, parents, and place them in the space. The representatives then, from the position they have been given, feel what that does to them. Note: it is not role-playing; no acting is involved. A family constellation shows what is really happening.

Because all families have the same origin system, it is easy to empathize with each other. Representatives can often feel certain patterns and blind spots much better than the questioner because they are not misled by thinking (the questioner has defense mechanisms or has learned not to feel because feeling is too painful).

CAN A CONSTELLATION REPLACE THERAPY?

There are different opinions about this. I prefer to see constellation work as a therapeutic approach that can have an enormously accelerating effect on, and can be used synchronously with, other forms of therapy. Family constellations quickly get to the core of a problem and can therefore be much more effective than years of regular psychotherapy.

During one constellation, you often gain insights that would otherwise take years of therapy. However, sometimes it is also the case that you first need talk therapy or a slower process of therapy before you are ready to bring deeply hidden entanglements to the surface. I am thinking here of abuse, violence, a heavy wartime past, or murder in your own or previous generations.

 

IS IT DANGEROUS TO DO A CONSTELLATION? CAN THINGS GO WRONG?

It is not dangerous. Constellations are not hocus-pocus. It is a scientifically based method, a system to bring invisible, troublesome patterns to the surface. Family constellations help to feel and experience what is really going on with you.

However, make sure to inform yourself well beforehand. One facilitator/systemic therapist is not the same as another, and from experience, I know that there can be quite a difference in quality in the way constellations are conducted.

 

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY FAMILY HISTORY. I HAVE NO FACTS.

In case you do not have access to your family history, for example, because you are adopted or because both your parents died prematurely, you can still do a constellation. The representatives will do the necessary work for you.

 

ARE FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS AN INSTANT SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM? WILL I FINALLY BE FREE FOREVER?

It is possible that you are permanently relieved of your illness, blockage, or depression after one constellation, but that is not guaranteed. In many instances, such as with depression, the underlying causes are multifaceted, requiring multiple constellations. Each constellation serves to unveil a distinct layer of the issue.

The course of the constellation depends on your level of consciousness as the questioner and how open your system is to healing.

In rare cases instant results will be tangible. Usually, you feel the effect of a constellation in the second or third month after the constellation. Something shifts in your family relationships, a family member suddenly behaves differently, etc.

 

WHAT DO I GET OUT OF IT?

Constellations bring healing around illness, relationships, family, children, money, or your career. It also helps if you feel lost, angry, depressed, or anxious. In short, family constellations are for anyone who is stuck in recurring themes and patterns in business and/or private life, without really knowing why.

Family constellations are suitable for you if you are ready for a significant change in your life: personally, relationally, or professionally. Something is holding you back from taking the helm of your life, and you finally want to know what has held you back all these years. Themes that you can address during my retreats include:

• You feel unworthy and unseen.
• You feel insecure and confused about your soul's purpose.
• You want a better relationship with your (ex-)partner.
• You want to improve your relationship with your parents, siblings, and children.
• You are afraid to trust others or stand in your own strength.
• You constantly get stuck or overridden in work situations.
• You struggle with feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness.
• You have severe feelings of guilt, without obvious reason.
• You often feel depressed, without knowing why.
• You suffer from commitment issues.
• You have repeatedly experienced loss.
• You think that luck, love, money, abundance,… is never by your side.
• You find it impossible to love yourself.
• One of your children exhibits problematic behavior.
• You have physical complaints without a clear identifiable cause.
• You suffer from burnout, stress.
• You suffer from addictions.
• You have questions about your spiritual journey, whether “it all makes senses”.

Family constellations are a valuable tool in various aspects of your spiritual and personal journey. They provide a unique perspective on family dynamics, helping you to identify and understand recurring patterns and behaviors. This awareness is crucial for personal growth and breaking free from limiting patterns. However it's important to note that the effectiveness of family constellations can vary from person to person. Some may find profound insights and healing, while others may experience more subtle shifts. As with any therapeutic or spiritual practice, individual experiences will differ, and it's essential to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to explore and grow.